May 21 2012

NOT FEELING IT RIGHT NOW

Several years ago someone gave me this advice: “you should never do anything out of fear, obligation, or guilt (FOG).”  At the time I thought, is that even possible?   Especially for a stay at home mom?   I mean,  how in the heck could anyone live without doing things out of FOG!    It felt like FOG was the organizing factor in my life.   It was the primary motivating factor for  my mother…what she modeled for me because that was all she knew.  The idea of  living without  FOG sounded like mission impossible AND nirvana all at the same time…I was intrigued.  And why did a life absent of FOG feel so delicious and foreign?  I now realize it’s because living a life without FOG equates to living an authentic existence.

My reality up until that point was based on a belief that it was impossible to live without FOG.  Living without FOG seemed like it meant living adrift and without purpose.  Without FOG to organize action what was left?     Without  FOG,  I believed  the world – at least my world – would collapse.   What  could possibly replace FOG?  Selfishness, anarchy, negligence and chaos are what came to mind…all leading to the demise of everything and everyone I held dear.

FOG was holding it all together as far as I could see.  It  became clear to me at some point along the way that I did not know life without FOG  -  it had been there from the beginning.   I slowly began making choices to change this reality of living out of FOG as I knew it.   This blog is part of  the result.

Thankfully,  I can now say from experience that beyond FOG lies ever greater degrees of freedom to live a life of creativity, truth, beauty, love and connection…grace.

I share this with you,  dear reader, because I am in a space of not feeling the urge to write for public consumption right now.  I am honoring my authentic self by taking a break from blogging – not sure for how long.  I have loved writing for my blog and I want to continue to do it from a place of  inspiration and  love – not FOG.

To the degree that I am able, I choose to live authentically… free.

If you would like to be notified of future posts via email when they are published,  you can sign up to follow Authentic Bay on the menu to the right.  Otherwise, I invite you to check back from time to time.

Thank you for your presence. You  have blessed me.

The Divine in me, bows deeply to the Divine in you…

In gratitude and love,

Bay

May 4 2012

Marriage Is For Liars

Reblogged from UnTangled:

We stand together on the marriage altar, and we begin the most important relationship of our lives with a terrible lie. We say, “For better or worse.” But we don’t really mean it. If we were to be honest with ourselves, if we were to begin the marriage authentically, most of us would say, “I have a bunch of needs which have never been satisfied in my relationships.

Read more… 1,508 more words

Instead of writing my own post this week I thought I would share this thought provoking post on relationship by Dr. Kelly Flanagan
Apr 27 2012

I AM THE FACE OF GOD

My authentic journey has much to do with my own personal spiritual quest but no, I have not gone off the deep end with a case of the Messiah Complex.  And while I do believe we all contain the spark of the Divine within us, the title of this entry pertains to my role as a parent…specifically, my role as a mother.   I mentioned at the very end of  WRAPPED IN THE ARMS OF GOD that in the midst of writing that particular post, I received a call notifying me that  my  11- year old had just been  suspended from school.  I had a “knowing” that a Divine Order was unfolding because the timing, and everything about the situation was “stranger than fiction.”

My son had been on a field trip a few weeks earlier and perceived he’d been treated unfairly by a teacher – he felt he had been singled out and punished for doing what he, along with others,  were doing.  He mentioned it to me in passing when he got home – not in any way that registered with me,  or that would make me anticipate what was coming.   It was several weeks after the field trip that my son decided to communicate his disdain for this teacher “anonymously.”   He didn’t really think it through and his emotions got the best of him.  He  got caught…thank goodness.

What is rather ironic is that he basically did to this teacher, what the commenter in I’M A NUT CASE? did to me.   I was glad I had not condemned that commenter, as that would not have left me much wiggle room to deal with  my own son’s behavior – if I didn’t want to be a hypocrite.   I actually had him read out loud, one of the negative comments directed at me (one of the milder ones).  I asked him how it felt  to have his mother be on the receiving end of that.   He acknowledged it didn’t feel good.  I shared that this teacher was loved by his family too and that I considered what he did  “violent.”  I could tell by his reaction, he was getting the message I was sending.   I also shared an incident with him where I had acted “violently”  and expressed my remorse…affirmed it’s  part of being human and  this was a good opportunity for him to get to know himself – his shadow, which we all have.  I believe it’s better to know what we are capable of all the way around, for many  reasons.  But based on my own experience, when I am not aware of my shadow I end up unconsciously hurting the people I love the most.    I also apologized to him because I felt at some level, I had let him down by not “seeing” him and supporting him with these powerful emotions he must’ve been feeling.

As I’ve reflected on what happened, I realize there is a light and shadow side to this aspect of my son’s personality  – as there is with everything.    I learned some new things about him through this experience and he learned some important things about himself.     In addition to being incredibly big-hearted and loyal – qualities I’ve always seen in him  -  I now know what a fierce sense of justice/injustice  he possesses and that he can really hold a grudge!    This is also the  part of his personality that is willing take action – speak up -  on behalf of himself and others when an injustice is perceived.   It is actually a great quality to have, provided it’s used with discernment.  Where would the world be without people who  have demonstrated this characteristic?  As a parent, if I want to serve my best interest, as well as his and the greater world, I have to take a deep breath and remind myself that I need to take the long view…hold the space  around him -  create a buffer zone,  to allow him the time and space to mature…grow into it – not throw him in front of the bus and join the critics who expect children to think and behave as adults and judge them accordingly.

He has now  felt his “edge”…experienced it, and knows we have seen it and love him wholly – shadow and light…something I never experienced as a child.  I know what a gift we have given him.  The good news is that he can expend less energy suppressing this part of himself and pretending he is anything other than who he is – he outed himself.    We all learned from this experience  and are armed with more knowledge of who he is – not who I want him  or need him to be.    I believe this will allow him to better take responsibility for his actions in the future and we will be better able to support him in doing that.   While there are positives and lessons have been learned, I don’t mean to imply that everything will be smooth sailing from here on out – that is not how life works, right?

I didn’t know prior to this happening, how I would respond in this situation.  If this had happened 6 or 7 years ago, I”m pretty sure I would’ve been overwhelmed by feelings of embarrassment and humiliation.  I would’ve made sure my son felt my pain too so he would be sure to never let it happen again.     When I was relating this to a friend of mine, he said he learned something from a guy who raises horses out in the country.  He told him that  when you are training a horse, you never want to “break the horse” (their spirit) because  then they won’t be good for anything after that.    That story really spoke to me…scared me -  reminded me of the mom I used to be.    In the past, I probably would’ve unconsciously wanted to “break”  my son’s spirit in this situation.  I would’ve judged him as “bad” – not easily separated him from his behavior,  and may very well have felt the need to “fix” him because he was “broken.”

I don’t think I was able to “SEE” my  boys apart from their mistakes back then…acknowledge their unmet needs… or offer them any help in navigating through life’s challenges  because I was too consumed with my own pain in those moments – that is how my mom showed up for me.  This teachable moment  would’ve been wasted because I’m pretty sure I would’ve  just wanted to bury it – make it go away…so I could continue to look like I was living the “perfect life” like I thought everyone else was…like I thought I had to.  Comparison can be crazy-making.

I am not saying that  I handled this situation perfectly or that I’m holding myself up as an example of what to do or what to believe – nor do I feel I’m rationalizing my son’s wrongful actions.  However, I am sure I handled it better than I would’ve in the past and at the same time, I don’t judge the mother  I used to be  because I was doing my absolute best at the time, as my mom did before me.  I celebrate staying emotionally connected with my son throughout this recent ordeal – and for the most part, it was his ordeal – his consequences brought about by his own actions -  not mine.  Staying emotionally connected with my mom when crap hit the fan was something I never experienced as a child.  I didn’t understand why and I was left with a lot of hurt to heal.   As a child, I learned how to be defensive, lie, make-up excuses and blame others when I made a mistake.  It was a hot potato I needed to get rid of “or else.”   It wasn’t safe for me to take responsibility for my “mistakes”   or my shadow… so it was pretty much impossible for me to learn from them and embrace who I was authentically – I couldn’t be whole.    I had to live up to the image my mother had of me…a caricature of  sorts.  I had to pretend I didn’t have a shadow…avoid being associated with mistakes or those who made them… or else I’d be “disconnected”…”abandoned” by those who were doing their best to love me.

It was in preparing for our  upcoming Unity Choir performance on Mother’s Day that I had a big “Aha.”   One of the songs we are singing  is  Bobby McFerrin~The 23rd Psalm (Dedicated to My Mother) -  I’ve included the  lyrics at the end of this post.  He sings all the parts a capella and all references to God are  in the feminine.  I was moved to tears the first time I listened to it.    Some may find this non-traditional version “uncomfortable,”  but it feels like beautiful truth to me.  I believe God has Divine Feminine (receptive) and Masculine (active)  aspects (energetic, not physical)  – why wouldn’t God?  After all,  God is whole and perfect…complete…everything – yin and yang.  So as I was listening to this song over and over again,   it came to me to ask my son his opinion on how I had handled his suspension and without hesitation, he responded  “great.”   I had the realization that especially in times of trial, I am the face of God for my children -  as my parents were for me.

I made a connection.  The way I show up for my boys now – the way I show up for myself – when any of us  “walk through a dark and dreary land,” will greatly influence whether they “believe” when they are out on their own…believe they are worthy of receiving help from a power greater than themselves…believe they are worthy of mercy when they falter, which it is certain they will…believe in themselves.   It doesn’t mean that I  condone, enable, or make excuses for our wrongful behavior – it’s more about never losing sight of our goodness, no matter how big our shadow…having the courage to stay connected to myself and them, no matter who else judges or abandons us… remembering the spark of the Divine that is within, in times when it’s all too easy for us to forget.    As a parent, I am the  foundation of their inner strength – the stores upon which they will draw when adversity comes.    It is what will allow the strength of their own authentic character to emerge, persevere, and overcome self-doubt – no matter how large it looms in front of them.

I am the face of God for my boys, as they are for me, as we all are for one another.  They are more likely to call out to  God for help in their time of need…trusting help will come,  if they believe it will come wrapped in mercy and forgiveness…compassion – without damnation and judgment.  They will do as I do, not as I say.  This is the truth of my own journey to God…my experience of God.  My intention is to live in a way that will allow faith to come easier to my boys in their time of need, than it did for me.  I find life to be a lot more  fun and enjoyable when I  feel God is on my side…that the Universe is a friendly place and we are all One.

The 23rd Psalm (Dedicated to my Mother)

Bobby McFerrin

The Lord is my Shepard, I have all I need,
She makes me lie down in green meadows,
Beside the still waters, She will lead.

She restores my soul, She rights my wrongs,
She leads me in a path of good things,
And fills my heart with songs.

Even though I walk, through a dark and dreary land,
There is nothing that can shake me,
She has said She won’t forsake me,
I’m in her hand.

She sets a table before me, in the presence of my foes,
She anoints my head with oil,
And my cup overflows.

Surely, surely goodness and kindness will follow me,
All the days of my life,
And I will live in her house,
Forever, forever and ever.

Glory be to our Mother, and Daughter,
And to the Holy of Holies,
As it was in the beginning, is now and ever shall be,
World, without end. Amen

Thanks Mom and Dad!

Thanks for taking your valuable time to read this post!

The Divine in me, bows deeply to the Divine in you…

Love,

Bay

Apr 20 2012

HELD WELL

FIRST LESSON
Philip Booth

Lie back daughter, let your head
be tipped back in the cup of my hand.
Gently, and I will hold you. Spread
your arms wide, lie out on the stream
and look high at the gulls. A dead-
man’s float is face down. You will dive
and swim soon enough where this tidewater
ebbs to the sea. Daughter, believe
me, when you tire on the long thrash
to your island, lie up, and survive.
As you float now, where I held you
and let go, remember when fear
cramps your heart what I told you:
lie gently and wide to the light-year
stars, lie back, and the sea will hold you.

Thanks Dad!!!

Are we the answer to our father’s prayers? The silent climb to a mountain’s summit is the lifetime journey of parent and child. When you arrive, do you hear God call out to you? Is there silence? Anger? Love? We walk with our parents even long after they are gone. And in turn we walk with our children. What are the prayers you offer and the prayers you receive – – parent to child, child to parent?
Rabbi Karyn Kedar

The Divine in me, bows deeply to the Divine in you…

Love and Light,
Bay

Apr 10 2012

A MOMENT OF SILENCE

Dear Reader,

Thank you so much for stopping by Authentic Bay.  The  part of my journey that culminated this past Sunday (WRAPPED IN THE ARMS OF GOD), has indeed been a wholly, Holy one.   My heart is filled with infinite gratitude and love for God, and all living beings and things.  I have chosen to honor  it with silence in this moment…listening.   It feels right.  Blessings to you on your journey…

The Divine in me, bows deeply to the Divine in you…

Love,

Bay

Thank you God for everything.

Apr 2 2012

WRAPPED IN THE ARMS OF GOD

Walking the Labyrinth in Chartres Cathedral July 2011

Your life is a sacred journey. And it is about change, growth, discovery, movement, transformation, continuously expanding your vision of what is possible, stretching your soul, learning to see clearly and deeply, listening to your intuition, taking courageous challenges at every step along the way. You are on the Continue reading →

Mar 26 2012

WORTH SAYING AGAIN

After reflecting on my journey of the  last week  – writing  I’M A NUT CASE? , the comments and responses that followed, and the feedback I’ve received – I was reminded of my second post, which I published back on December 5, 2011 – 20 posts ago.   I remember pushing the publish button and feeling a lot of nervousness…very unsure of myself and what I was doing at that moment.  As I sit here now, it feels like that was years ago… much more than just 4 short months ago.  I feel very different from that person – I’ve experienced so much since then.   At the same time,  as I re-read it I was struck by how true my words still feel to me today…my reasons for embarking on this journey.  I am very grateful and it is with gratitude for this journey,  that I share  it with you today.   And for those who read it in early December when it was originally posted, I want to express a very heart-felt “thank you” for being with me from the beginning.

Thank you to all of you for making the choice to use your valuable time to read this post.

The Divine in me, bows to the Divine in you.

Blessings on your journey…

Love,

Bay

“INTERESTING POST BAY, BUT WHY ARE YOU BLOGGING?”…Could it be because I’m selfish?

This was a question I got from a dear  friend after he read my first,  and only other blog posting, WHY I LOVE GAY GUYS.    This is someone I’ve known for almost 30 years and his reaction caught me by surprise.  I mean, he of all people should know me well enough by now to expect I would try something like this, right?   And if he didn’t,  there is that lengthy  ABOUT  page on the site that gives my rationale,   but I guess he didn’t read that.  I also thought the reasons “why” were obvious in my posting,  but then again… maybe not?   Something about his question felt “right”…of course he is asking why!  He was kind enough to offer the following reasons for why he would never blog:
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1.  I don’t like to write & am not a good writer.
2.  I don’t like to think about my feelings, much less write about them.
3.  I especially wouldn’t want to communicate anything personal to most anyone, but especially out there in cyberspace.
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All good points.  So I wondered… why is it  that I choose to be what feels like an emotional exhibitionist to some and share my deepest thoughts?    Why go to all this effort to expose myself… make myself  uncomfortable?  I sat with this question for a few days, sorted through all my “change/save the world” reasons and what finally landed as “truth,” surprised even me because it sounded, well… selfish.
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The answer is that  I am doing this for me and it is probably the most courageous act of self-love I’ve ever had the courage to do.    I am “outing” myself….taking off the mask (that is me circa 1969 in photo), taking off the chain and setting myself free because truthfully,  I’m exhausted.  The gig is up and I am turning myself in.    By blogging, I am choosing  to spend my limited energy transmitting a clear signal and  not exhaust myself  with efforts to  “fuzzy up” the picture of who I am,  putting  up a  false front,  trying to remember who others need me to be and making myself acceptable to others.   Because  here is what happens when I do:  I end up  not having the energy to be kind to those I love  (including me) and then I feel guilty, overwhelmed,  and unhappy.    And I believed I was protecting everyone I loved by doing all that, making it easier on them.  It is a vicious, vicious,  cycle that does not serve me, or those nearest and dearest to my heart.
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I’ve worked for a while on getting a handle on this – a better balance between “doing” and “being”  -  one that honors my own organic, authentic rhythm.   Not easy to do when I don’t have a regular job outside of taking care of my family – in other words, I lack a socially acceptable excuse to turn down others’ request for help.   At the end of last year,  my husband’s employment situation was  very uncertain and what until then, had been a minor chronic health issue, suddenly demanded my  immediate attention.   On top of all of that,  I felt so exhausted by years of responding to what felt like an overwhelming  amount of  externally driven expectations and obligation.   I felt tired of feeling like I wasn’t  doing a good job of meeting any of them.  In a moment of awareness,  I  “saw”  myself,  felt  my exhaustion at the soul level, and advocated for myself by rebelling against every social pressure of the season.    I realized it was either continue  on the “death march” and keep the pace imposed by social pressure  and retailers and terrorize my family,  demanding  they keep  pace as well,  OR… let go,  be peaceful, and enjoy my family.   I guess I felt like I finally had a good enough excuse to  take care of me and release myself from the frenzy of  rushing around, fighting crowds and traffic, having to buy  Christmas presents and get them mailed  or ordered and delivered by Christmas.  Other than for the kids, I did not buy any gifts.  It was freeing, and no one disowned us or complained.   
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I’m still not sure what I will do this year… I think I am still recovering.I’m no Grinch, but I don’t enjoy making a big fuss over Christmas – never have.   I find it overwhelming.   I don’t know why and I’ve stopped pressuring myself  for answers and chosen to release the guilt.    And  ever since I’ve  stopped pretending like it is my thing and stopped trying to compare and compete  with others who for them,  it is their thing,   I am much more peaceful and enjoyable to be around.  Love flows more freely through me.   I can admire,  acknowledge  and bless the efforts of others and I am grateful to them for making it so nice for  people like me,  because I know it comes from a place of joy.
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I have always had a  distaste for hypocrisy and I have finally chosen to face my own.    I have made my way toward the middle from the extreme edges of “people pleasing.”   I no longer want  to spend any energy trying to be someone other than who I am,  pretending to enjoy things I don’t, nodding in agreement to things I don’t  agree with only because I’m supposed to and because that is what is expected of me.   Most importantly,  I want to stay peaceful and loving, especially toward my kids,  my husband and myself.  Blogging  may seem extreme, but it is what I feel I need to do to finally and completely free myself and maybe in the process,  I  will connect with and/or inspire a few others to come along with me.    It allows me to “come out of the closet,”  offer the truth of who I am AND… I am making sure it is a one way ticket out by burning the bridge behind me.   I honor all with my offering and give the gift of knowing me, and choosing… no  longer wasting  time by keeping hope alive that I will one day show up as  someone other than who I am.    After having been raised to “like everyone and make sure that everyone  likes me,”  I am finally  stepping off that merry-go-round and saying good-bye to the craziness,  once and for all.    Funny thing is, I could always step off.  It is, and  has always been, a matter of choice, courage,  and trust.   It has been my journey.   I am ready.  It is what my blog is about.  Peace on earth, goodwill toward every living being and thing!
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You have to start knowing yourself so well that you begin to know other people. A piece of us is in every person we can ever meet.
John D. MacDonald
Mar 22 2012

I’M A NUTCASE?

“You are an absolute nutcase. You have interjected yourself into a sad story about which you have no involvement. Talking to some psychopath one time does not give one the insight they would need to become as involved in this as you have…” 

These were the words that greeted me on Monday as I opened the email notification and began reading  the comment  on ONENESS…DIVING DEEPER   awaiting my approval  (a formality for first-time commentors on “Authentic Bay”).   It was written by Susan, who I assumed was a friend or family member of Scott Childress (I’ll MEET YOU THERE).    While I didn’t  agree with most of what she said,  nor did I like how she said it, I was surprised by how calm I felt… the absence of anger and any desire to debate, correct, or counter as I made my way through it.  After I finished, I pressed the “Approved” button and sent it into cyberspace…it felt like the right thing to do.  I suppose at some level, I sensed a Divine Order unfolding – there were signs.  I reflected on Susan’s commentary… its meaning and my authentic response.   You can read all three of her comments in their entirety by clicking on these links.  Susan’s comment #1 and #2    Susan’s comment #3.    I believe everything happens for a reason -  even things like this – when someone who doesn’t know me – a stranger,  reads my words, interprets them through her own “lens,” and then let’s me know – with absolute certainty – that she thinks she knows me.  In fact, better than I know myself.  I realized I had some choices because, well… choices always exist when it comes to responding to any situation.  So what was this?  How should I feel?  What did Susan actually do to me – if anything?   I asked myself  “was I personally attacked?”  Well…if that were true, that would mean I was a victim…that something had been done to me – but I didn’t feel like a victim.

The thing is – I don’t think Susan could have said anything, that could have carried any more potential to do harm to me, and cause mental anguish than exactly what she’d said.   Up until  that moment,  I would’ve guessed that upon reading her comment, I would’ve thought for sure – that would have been an emotional “knockout punch”  at the level of my soul.  I would have predicted I’d be down for the count… not gotten up for who knows how long.   I pondered how my right to authentic intent, actions, and words could have been so denied and/or misinterpreted that  it would  inspire what felt like rage, directed at me…it felt like she wanted to destroy me?  Did she somehow know my life story?  How could a complete stranger have found my  jugular?   It was as if she took a stab in the dark and stuck a hot poker directly into the “wound” of  my family of origin.  Really…what were the odds?  But I wasn’t dead!  I didn’t even feel hurt.  That was the strange part.

I decided to ask for feedback from my 17-year-old.   After all, this was life… a “teachable moment”  – and that goes both ways.   He reads my blog – follows it – and he’s a lot more experienced when it comes to facing tough criticism because he’s been doing it for years – he’s a pitcher.  I also wanted to give him an opportunity to “SEE” me  more fully -  understand that  life is not always easy on my end either – I don’t always “throw strikes.”   I wanted to model consciously how to respond when one feels provoked because what I know is…my kids do what I do, not what I say.    As he read, I watched his reaction – his body language.  I could tell he couldn’t quite wrap his head around it…didn’t really understand why someone would go through all this effort.  His only question/comment before he shrugged his shoulders and walked off to get on with his busy life was, “you’re not “approving”  it, right?”  I told him it was too late – already did…why wouldn’t I?    I told my 11-year-old about  it (paraphrased) when he asked how my day had been.  I would describe him as “feisty” with a quick wit and, while I choose not to relay his suggestions (he is only 11 and feels protective of me),  I was grateful for the comic relief he provided.  My husband, whose tendency is to be neutral (think Switzerland), when he’s approached with a highly charged anything – was reluctant to give me any reaction at first.   Not too long ago, his non-reaction would’ve been met with anger and resentment.   That’s because I held a belief that his  lack of indignation on my behalf was directly correlated with not loving me as much as I loved him.  But he’s still here after all these decades and I’ve come to appreciate our polarity -  his ability to maintain a “cool head” when I am less likely.   I pressed him to register something on the matter, he shrugged his shoulders and uttered something  like our 17-year-old… a gentle few words that when translated mean,  “just don’t read the blog if you don’t like what she says -  that’s what we do.”  Oddly enough, out of the four of us, I think I had the most empathy for Susan – not that she wanted or would’ve welcomed that from me.   But I felt like I understood her rage, her depth of feeling – it felt familiar…I could put her reaction into a bigger context – in part, she was grieving…in tremendous pain – even traumatized perhaps, by the violent death of someone she loved and cared about.

Back to why the surprise at feeling calm… being “crazy” like my mom has been my greatest fear for about the last 46 years  of my life.   I was totally unaware of  the control it had over me…my reactions.  I had no idea until about 6 years ago that it was even there – it’s been a journey (I AM THE LIGHT).   It was the reason why I hid all these years.  I was afraid  that if I was authentic, I’d be rejected …called out… labeled a “nutcase”…a “personality disorder”…a “narcissist.”   I was afraid of  this exact scenario – this was my worst nightmare.   But as I write, I realize these  labels are oh so familiar… they are the same ones I’d used on many others – strangers, former friends, co-workers, fellow moms, and my #1 target – my mom.  I could see that I did what Susan was “doing” to me  – over and over again through the years.   I just never  had the nerve to put it in writing and sign my name to it…but I sure thought it…shared my thoughts with who’d ever listen.   It’s why I can’t feel any animosity toward Susan…why I feel mostly gratitude toward her.   Thanks to Susan, I woke up to a clearer reflection of myself…my “edge.”  I know better my own capacity for violence  – I have it in me.  Probably for the first time, I’ve  gotten to  experience firsthand, being on the receiving end of what I dished out to others.

And now, I am feeling something in response to Susan’s comments which is a complete surprise…overwhelming humility and a fresh and  passionate desire to receive forgiveness… from my mom, others who I have hurt, including myself.   I remember the last time I visited my mom last December  (ROAD LESS TRAVELED ,  MISSION ACCOMPLISHED).    I “SEE” her even more clearly because of this opportunity to “SEE” me more clearly.   I “SEE” the impact of our unconscious fears -  mine and hers – on each other.  It prevented me from seeing how hard she tried…how she gave it everything she had. For my entire life, minus a few years, I returned all efforts to love me with judgment – labels, anger, blame.   I held on tight to her mistakes – her shadow  – and withheld any acknowledgment of her light, which she so desperately wanted and needed.  My heart aches and the tears continue to flow -  mia culpa.  I want to take the years back…have a “do over.”   I want who I am now, to go back in time and be with her, accept her as she is, needing nothing from her,  in exchange for my love – no strings attached.  I would focus so much less on her mistakes, my hurt, and shine the spotlight so much more on her courage, perseverance, and efforts on my behalf…grief.

“I love myself so much that I can love you so much that you can love you so much that you can start lovin’ me.”  Rickie Byers

Through Susan, I’ve received the gift of knowing…experiencing… more of the truth of who I am.    I now know,  beyond a shadow of a doubt,  the  self-doubt about my own sanity is gone (a fish doesn’t know what water is until it’s missing)…truly priceless.    I’ve experienced another level of  heart opening  (spiritual, not physical)… a  much deeper level of  forgiveness, compassion, love, support, gratitude  and connection with my mother,  myself, and all humanity.   I can recognize the shape and  form of my own “edge” better -  be more conscious of it because I have now felt it.   I can more easily forgive myself and others when I am hurt or cause others pain, because I know through my own experiences, that the pain is also an  “opportunity”  for incredible healing to occur – if that’s what is chosen.   In my picture of the truth – Susan is an integral part of  this circle of  forgiveness, compassion, gratitude and love…an angel (messenger),  just as we all are to one another – we are One.

No one can make you feel inferior without your consent. Eleanor Roosevelt

Thank you for taking your valuable time to read this post!  I am grateful.

The Divine in me, bows to the Divine in you…

Love,

Bay

Thank you for the breadcrumbs: Susan, Tayze, Nancy and her crew, Michael, Sita, Manna Reiki Family, Francie, Rafi, Kai, Kirk, Irene, Harold

Mar 15 2012

THE POWER OF ONE

A couple of days ago, I received a message through Facebook from a “friend” I hadn’t seen or spoken with in several years.  She is a mom from my old baseball “hood” (BAY FROM THE “HOOD”)  – our sons were on the same tournament team several years ago.  In those days, we (parents) spent many weekends together watching baseball, cheering our boys on, eating out, and hanging out between games.  She and I were friendly but were never really close.  She was writing to let me know that by reading my profile and my posts on FB, she’d been reminded of how I was back then…calm  (I was somewhat taken aback since “calm” is not one of the adjectives at the top of my list when describing myself).  She went on to express regret that we hadn’t gotten to know each other better in those days…weren’t better friends now…speculated briefly as to the reasons why.   She was making the effort now,  to let me know what she thought of me… that “I was “something” – my words…my being…still felt calming to her.  She suggested I should have been a counselor.  I was touched…it meant so much that she would take the time to let me know I’d had an impact on her well-being then and now.  Is there any higher honor?  I would’ve really been carried away by the sweet elation I’d felt in that moment had it not been for these words – sandwiched between all the others -  which served to keep my feet firmly on the ground… “you all seemed like you had it perfect.”   I felt a jolt in my heart and a  kick in my gut at the same time… I knew it was time to take a breather and reflect.

The words “you all seemed like you had it perfect” overloaded my circuits…created confusion…different reactions all tangled up.  I was aware of feeling defensive at first…like “wait a minute, so when did I give up the perfect life?  What do you see that is not perfect about my life? What do I need to hide…take back?”  My friend’s sincerest intentions had suddenly morphed into a backhanded compliment.  I felt as if  I’d been “punked,” although my rational mind knew that was not her intent at all.  It only felt that way – like I’d been trapped and “outed” -  because unbeknownst to her, the inclusion of that one sentence inextricably linked my “light”  -  which she was graciously acknowledging and reflecting back to me -  with my “shadow.”  The gift offered was a package deal -  I couldn’t bask in my light without accepting my shadow because it provided the contrast and  allowed the light to be recognized…without darkness there can be no light, right?

As far as the jolt I’d felt in my heart (emotional not physical) – it was compassion…a heart connection.  I saw her courage…her willingness to be vulnerable…open….act on her highest intentions.  “You all seemed like you had it perfect”….the image that came to my mind was of an innocent little girl looking longingly into a candy store…eying the large, multicolored, spiral lollipop that she somehow knew was not meant for her.  I suddenly remembered my old agenda…saw that I might have been relatively “successful”  in projecting the image I’d worked so hard to present  -  my version of “the perfect family.”  I’d created the illusion of that “lollipop in the window” she couldn’t have.  Whether that was her reality or not, is not the point.  Her words – those particular words – took me back in time…reminded me of what is and has always been, an undeniable part of me – my humanity.

I guess I’d hoped that I, along with everyone else would have amnesia when it came to my efforts to project that “perfect image” of “better than” for so many years.  I was embarrassed by the memory of who I was, now sharply brought into auto-focus   I had a body memory of the exhaustion that accompanied the pursuit of that impossible quest…there were always so many around that were “more.”  The kick to my gut was really a shock of grief from realizing at an even deeper level – the real price I’d paid for believing I couldn’t be authentic…that I was separate from everyone else.  I felt sadness about the missed opportunities to connect authentically,  which my friend now brought to my attention -  I didn’t believe it was “safe.”  I was certain that if I was authentic, I’d be rejected and everyone would run for the hills as fast as they could.  I saw the world through the lens of dualism…polarity – right-wrong, good-evil -  and I couldn’t be wrong or evil which left me with only one “good” answer to any situation -  compete to win – manipulate to be “better”…to be “good”  – to be “right” -  or else I couldn’t/didn’t exist.  It’s how I was taught to survive and it was all I knew.  As long as I chose to hold on to this inherited interpretation of the world, I couldn’t get off this hellish treadmill.  At that time,  I didn’t believe I had any other options – I felt powerless and trapped.   Back then,  I would’ve given a lot to hear my friend say that we seemed like the perfect family.  But she never offered because I would bet that right along with my calm, she felt my “edge” too.  Now she was finally letting me know, in the sincerest of ways, that I’d been successful.  Congratulations Bay!  Ouch!  In truth…my authentic truth, I’ve stood right beside her all the time…on the outside, looking longingly at that same unattainable lollipop – we were no different, are no different – we are One. As far as I’m concerned, this authentic connection we now share is the real “lollipop” we both longed for -  I was fooled by my upbringing… my conditioning. The good news is that there are an infinite amount of lollipops available to all of us – at least in my picture of the truth.

While I do take time to reflect on my past…learn from it,  I don’t judge myself too harshly for who I was then…just as I hope not to judge myself too harshly tomorrow, for the actions I’ve taken today.  For me, it’s all an integral part of evolving as a human being on an eternal path.  I was trying my best back in those days, just as I am today, and I choose to believe that we are all doing that  – trying our best.   I believe that if I were to walk every step in another person’s shoes…took the time – made the effort to “SEE” the other -  their actions and choices would make sense, even if I did not condone or agree with them.  It’s about having compassion for our shared humanity…acknowledging that we are indeed, One – not separate.

Back to the “jolt” I felt in my heart…I suppose part of that was about celebrating showing up more authentically which allowed my friend to feel  “safe” enough to reach out from a more authentic place in her…allowing us to set up a connection that was more authentic…’real.”  What a gift!  Along this journey to authenticity – I have received much support from friends who I’ve allowed to see the authentic parts of me and I am deeply grateful to them.   But there is something “special” about receiving acknowledgment of  who I am authentically from those I never allowed to see that part of me until now.   It accesses another part of my soul and brings me to my knees in humility and gratitude.  There is recognition of a deeper connection that would not have  been had I never “come out of the closet”…been authentic.  On top of that, there is an exquisite relief that comes from experiencing only goodness from those I believed would “run for the hills,” once I took off my mask and showed them who I really was.

By my friend making the decision to reach out to me and acknowledge my “goodness,”  she has received goodness as well.    I find reciprocity to be another component of all Universal truths…love…oneness.  I would like to invite you to take part in an experiment -  take the time to reach out to one person who has had, or is having a positive impact on your well-being…acknowledge and reflect back to them their “goodness”…perhaps even be courageous in your willingness to be vulnerable.   Who knows how many countless people will be affected by your act of “goodness.”   What I know is that when I express gratitude…when I take the time and effort to SEE another and mirror their light back to them, that goodness comes back to me in unexpected and wonderful ways – there is healing.  I encourage you to join me in raising the “goodness” vibe on our planet and come back and comment… share the results of sharing “goodness”…your light…inspire me and others!  Let’s support each other in living courageously, without regret… experiencing more creativity, connection, beauty, love, and compassion…all coming from the power of One!

Thank you for taking your valuable time to read this post…my offering.

The Divine in me, bows to the Divine in you…

Love,

Bay

Thank you for the breadcrumb my baseball mom from the old “hood!”

Mar 6 2012

I’LL MEET YOU THERE

I’LL MEET YOU THERE

Out beyond ideas of wrongdoing and rightdoing
there is a field. I will meet you there.

When the soul lies down in that grass,
the world is too full to talk about.
Ideas, language, even the phrase each other
doesn’t make any sense.

Rumi

On Saturday, February 18, 2012, I did what I said I would  (ONENESS…DIVING DEEPER) and attended the memorial service for my neighbor, Scott Childress, who was found murdered on January 19, 2012.   I’ve written about befriending Reggie Eaglin who, according to what has been reported in the news, has admitted to killing Scott in self-defense.  Reggie worked for Scott and lived with him at the house/hair salon around the corner  (SIGNS OF LOVE AND A MURDER IN MY “HOOD”).    I’ve also written  about visiting Reggie in jail which was a profound and life changing experience (JOURNEY INTO THE HEART OF VIOLENCE).   On February 9th, I received email notification that a comment had just been posted on my blog.  I was totally surprised to find that the comment had been posted by one of Scott’s friends and clients -  Donna -  on  SIGNS OF LOVE AND A MURDER IN MY “HOOD” which I had written almost three weeks earlier.  Somehow she had found my blog, read my words…the “call to love every living being…hold the tension of the opposites…especially when  it involves a neighbor from my  “hood” and I have my own experience with this person.”   The comment she posted concluded with these words, “If you feel such sympathy for the family that has lost their son, then come and show your respect to Scott at his Memorial on February 18th. Go to Friends of Scott Childress on Facebook. Then you can see what his clients and friends have said about him.”  I never met Scott and had only met Reggie once.  That is what my reality was based on.  I took it for granted that that, was that…until I was “woken up” by the arrival of Donna’s comment in my inbox.  I was aware of feeling unnerved by the thought of attending Scott’s memorial but somehow, I made a conscious decision not to “auto-respond” to Donna with my reactive judgments that jumped out way ahead…giving my heart a chance to register its response…thank goodness!  I know enough about myself to know that judgment is one of my go to  defense “weapons.”   I can effectively use it to justify my avoidance of just about anything that feels the least bit unpleasant.  What I know about judgment is that it keeps me feeling separate from the “other” ….I’m desensitized to the “other”…making it easier to react with violence (judgment, resentment, blame, anger – STOP THE VIOLENCE).   Maybe it’s because this involved life and death and I wasn’t directly impacted by the events that I was able to pause, then make the choice to go inward before responding to Donna…be curious about the reasons for my fear… my discomfort…stay with the question – why did Donna’s suggestion unnerve me?  (ONENESS…DIVING DEEPER)?   Whatever was coming up for me, I knew it was significant…tangible…felt like it might even be dangerous.  I perceived “it”  had the potential to overwhelm me…drown me.

The reason why the world lacks unity, and lies broken and in heaps, is, because man is disunited with himself. Ralph Waldo Emerson

Some might wonder why going to Scott’s memorial presented such a challenge, given I had already befriended the shadow side of this human tragedy.  After all, this was about being open to connecting to the “other side”  – the “side” that it would seem compassion would lend itself to naturally.  But I had assumed it was too late to connect with Scott – the “other side” -  and this “opportunity” was a new development.  I was caught off-guard.   There was a part of me that felt like a little kid that had just gotten  “in trouble” for sticking my nose where it didn’t belong.  That “people-pleaser” part of me wanted to back out…take it all back… but I knew it was too late…I had already gone too far.  I wondered if Scott’s friends and family hated me for befriending Reggie.  In my mind, I imagined the worst case scenario  -  being confronted by a group of Scott’s friends at the service…”how could you!”

The moment we break faith with one another, the sea engulfs us and the light goes out. James Baldwin

The truth is Donna’s invitation created a crisis at the level of my soul.   I questioned whether I could really live the truth of what I believed …Unity and Oneness with the Divine and all living beings and things.   Was I ready?  Attending the memorial service and exposing myself to the massive wave of grief I anticipated from Scott’s friends and family felt like I was putting myself in the direct path of a tsunami…SO huge.  Befriending Reggie had already stretched me way beyond my comfort zone…beyond the boundaries of who I thought I was.   In an instant, through one decision, I found myself deep in unfamiliar territory.  I was feeling vulnerable.  I wondered how much further my heart (spiritual, not physical) could stretch…how much more elasticity could there be?…how much more tension could I hold of these “opposites” (LOSING MY RELIGION)  before something snapped…before I snapped and sought refuge in  the familiar and comfortable – judgment.  Maybe I was afraid that my beliefs would not hold up under the scrutiny of this “stress test.”   And what if my beliefs “failed” me…where would that leave me?  faithless?   Maybe I wasn’t the right person to put Unity and Oneness to the test publicly because this might be too hard… I might give up and revert back to the old, familiar dualistic reality … choosing to align with one side of this conflict and abandon the other completely and stand in judgment -  maybe it wasn’t really possible or “safe” for me to stay connected to all?  Maybe this was my mission impossible -   to remain independent, connected  to my truth – the Divine -  as my source of support and strength…allowing connection and oneness with all, in the midst of it all.  I was stepping into uncertainty big-time… of that much I was certain.

Whatever books you may read, you cannot realize the Divine merely by intellectual effort, One must put it into practice.  That sense of oneness can only be promoted by the practice of love and not by any other means.  Sri Sathya Saj Baba

I came to the conclusion that I had to go to the memorial service for reasons that were less than 100% noble.  Part of me realized that if I didn’t go,  I’d be a hypocrite – and  in my mind there were few transgressions that were worse.  It is the judgment I held against my parents for the greater part of my life (I AM THE LIGHT).  Thanks to my blog, it’s as if every word  I had written had spun a web around me…trapping me…  leaving me with only one “right” answer… only one authentic choice – to go.   I did also have a sense of a Divine Order unfolding -  I trusted my inner guidance leading me there, despite the uneasiness.  The decisions made by Scott and Reggie created a decision point for me.  Our choices caused our paths to converge.  Now there was no going back.  This was a far cry from believing in Oneness and Unity while going about my “normal,” day-to-day life.  This was another “perfect storm”…  as I wrote about at the beginning of this blogging journey in my Songs for the Journey page, “this path (of authenticity) is scary and triggers your deepest fears.  Why?  Because how else can we be set free but to face them, feel the support that is always there,  and emerge on the other side, triumphant?  Free.”    Indeed, this was another divine “opportunity.”   I knew it…I felt it.  But this was different.  I did not have to get involved this time.  This did not involve my family members or friends…in fact, Reggie and Scott were essentially strangers and neighbors.  I could have easily turned away from this “mess.”    There were no outside expectations I felt obligated to meet.  But this time, I chose differently… I chose to get involved…chose to listen to my intuition and “pick-up the breadcrumb” in front of me….and I kept picking them up….reaching out to Reggie….visiting him in jail…attending Scott’s memorial service.  This time,  I had no one to blame but myself if I didn’t like what I was experiencing.  It’s for these reasons that I have a different vantage point from which to observe  – different from those who have been more directly impacted…. and different for me personally, because I am not directly impacted.  And yet, it continues to impact me at the deepest levels of my being.  I suspect it’s because the questions emerging involve the realm of the eternal… they have to do with my faith…what I believe about my own humanity and divinity, and that of the “other.”

Unity to be real must stand the severest strain without breaking. Mahatma Ghandi

It’s no wonder that once I made the decision to go to the memorial service, I sensed a “showdown”  approaching in the days and hours leading up to 2:00 p.m.  Saturday, February 18, 2012.  The “showdown” was with no one other than myself.  In order to attend,  I had to break away from a weekend workshop I was participating in.  My fellow participants  whole-heartedly supported my intention to be authentic and connect with all sides -  I felt  much love and support, which I took as confirmation of the Divine Order unfolding all around me.  I walked into the church and sat in the second to the last row.  It was a beautiful service where many got up to share their memories of Scott – snippets of  what made him irreplaceable in their lives…reasons why his passing was so deeply mourned, by so many.   It was obvious that Scott was more than a hairstylist to his clients -  he was a friend that went above and beyond for his friends…knew what they needed and did his best to give it to them.   I felt sure I would have liked him…found myself wishing I had had a chance to know him.  When it was over, after a moment’s hesitation, I walked over to the reception in the next building.  I made the decision to embrace the experience in its entirety… turning away from nothing – after all, I’d come this far.   I walked in and slowly made my way by the 3 poster sized collages on display that contained pictures of Scott  with his family, clients/friends  (it seemed to me that if you were his client, you were automatically his friend) -  some made me laugh out loud – it was obvious he could be quite a character.  I overheard many sharing their stories of Scott.  As I was standing around, Donna (who posted the comment that got me there) came up and asked if I was Bay, then introduced herself -  graciously thanked me for coming.  Her kindness and generosity touched my heart deeply -  I knew she didn’t have to do what she did.  Up until that moment, I’d  felt like a foreigner in a strange land…a voyeur of sorts -  not quite sure if I was welcome or if I was trespassing.  Donna and I spoke for a few minutes and “connected.”  She let me know she appreciated me being there and I let her know I appreciated her courage to post her comment and invite me to “see” Scott, in addition to Reggie. I liked her.  I shared with her what came to me in that moment…  Scott must have been a special person because here we were making an unlikely connection…drawn there by his life and death…giving it meaning by our willingness to meet the other in what felt like a sacred space. It felt bigger than us… as if we were both standing on a razor’s edge…unwilling to fall too far on either side of judgment or resentment, supporting the other, despite the independence of our truth.   She understood I was not attached to any particular outcome for Reggie, nor was I defending his actions.  I was committed to loving and supporting both he and Scott… my fellow human beings…my neighbors.

I want you to be concerned about your next door neighbor.  Do you know your next door neighbor?  Mother Teresa

I can’t speak for Donna, but I experienced something new through her… with her…a feeling of oneness and autonomy within intense conflict…a profound paradox.  She shared that she had just gone to a new hairstylist  for the first time since Scott’s death.  I “got” how difficult an experience that was for her…wrapped in grief.   As a woman, that practical aspect of her grief touched my heart and  has stayed with me …on top of losing a friend under such violent circumstances,  I realized all of Scott’s clients/friends were having to find a new hairstylist and whoever it was, they would not be Scott… no one would make them feel and look “fabulous” like he did…and they would be reminded of their painful loss every 6-8 weeks for the rest of their lives.

Let there be such oneness between us, that when one cries, the other tastes the salt. Anonymous

By attending Scott’s memorial service, I knew I was living my deepest truth…becoming more authentic. It felt like the culmination of many experiences …it was powerful.  That sounds all good, right?  Well…that depends on how one views change.   Because while it is true that making authentic choices results in becoming more authentic and living more authentically…those same choices simultaneously usher in waves of uncertainty and unpredictability. There is no way around it and I feel the effects in every aspect of me… my life.  Nothing in my world is untouched.

Be brave. Take risks.  Nothing can substitute experience.  Paulo Coehlo

Through making the choices to connect with Reggie after he committed one of the worst acts of violence anyone can be accused of, for reasons only he and Scott know….and subsequently witnessing a fragment of the profound grief that is only a part of the result….the picture of my own authentic truth has become much clearer…more integrated. Through Reggie and Scott, I have experienced a deeper truth of who I am…the truth of our shared humanity -  shadow and light – as well as our divinity and my love for God…truth.  In the past five weeks or so,  I have felt the unfailing support of the Divine in a way that is unlike anything that went on before.  I acknowledge my constant need for it.  My belief that there is a divine order at play in the Universe, and that my own life is a microcosm of that One life, has been reaffirmed. I am grateful.  In my reality, everything happens for a reason  (WHAT I CRAVE).  I am intuitive by nature and it’s very much a part of my authentic approach to living the purpose of my life. I did not know how or what would unfold when I listened to my intuitive guidance and reached out to Reggie – called  James, an old friend and defense attorney here in Houston who is now Reggie’s attorney.  There is more to come and I continue to trust and stay connected to Source, Reggie, and Scott on this eternal path to greater freedom…truth…love…oneness…God.  In my picture of the truth, Scott’s life and death has profound meaning.

“The caterpillar trusts his maker that all is well. He does not cling to his old garment and thus is transformed into a magnificent butterfly. There is no pain, it is a natural transmutation. So it is with us. As the chrysalis is the bridge between caterpillar and butterfly, so is True perception the bridge between separation and Oneness. We are transmuting into a new state of Being. Clinging to our caterpillar stage, our old ways of judgment, we shall never learn to fly into the dawn of a new day.” Peter Erbe

I’ll meet you there, my friend…in that field out beyond ideas of wrongdoing and rightdoing…

The Divine in me, bows to the Divine in you…

In loving Oneness,

Bay

Thanks for the breadcrumbs: Brett, Nancy, SaMaRah, Vince, Mary, Marie, Sandra, Sonja, Carol, Janie, Terrie, Ann L., Michael, Jamieson, Donna, Scott, Reggie, mom, dad, Kirk, Trey, Kai, Manna Reiki Family